You know what I wanna do?? I wanna scream out loud till my lungs hurt.. I wanna laugh till I lose my voice.. I wanna jump like I'm a maniac till I can't breathe anymore.. I wanna be happy till I forget all my sorrows.. But I can't get everything, right?? I'm just a person who has to go on with life and just think of all the possibilities... But I have my rights to choose what I wanna do..
But right now, I feel like I don't have any choices.. When will it be my turn to voice out my opinions?? When will it be my turn to do what I wanna do?? When will it be my turn to be free??
I smile but my heart is frowning... I laugh but my heart is crying.. All the happiness and fun thing that I do is what I wish would come true.. I wanna really smile.. I wanna really laugh.. I wanna really be happy.. I wanna find my place in this damn crazy full of hatred world..
I convince myself everyday that I AM happy... Therefore, I WILL be happy :D
It's currently raining right now.. And every time it rains, I always think of one thing.. I want to dance.. Dance in the rain and don't care what other people say about me.. I don't care if I have to dance alone or with a loved one or my friends.. I just want to try it once.. I feel that when I'm dancing in the rain, everything will be just fine.. And it seems fun.. Watching people dancing in the rain in a movie makes me envy them.. Maybe I'll get to try it one day.. Hopefully..
I know I should be studying right now, but I distract too easily.. I just can't study.. Especially maths.. But I have to if I expect to answer any questions for the paper.. I just can't seem to find a way to make learning fun.. It's just so boring.. It makes me wanna sleep.. I guess I will never have the mood to learn.. But I'll have the mood only when I have to study a subject that I'm interested in.. And so far, I am NOT interested in any of the subjects in school.. But Baina keeps on telling me: It's just 2 weeks.. 2 long weeks of agony..
Every once in awhile I would feel like my confidence level is becoming less and less everyday.. And I just don't know how to get it up again.. Sometimes when I'm with my friends I can pretend to be.. Because they already know me.. But what happens if I have to meet new people?? All alone?? I don't know how to do it.. Mama is getting me to act.. How will I act without confidence?? I'll be thinking about a lot of things.. Like, I'm too fat or I'm too ugly.. I'm also afraid of what they would think of me.. Like, who the hell is she or doesn't she look at herself in the mirror or the nerve of her trying to act..
Because the truth is.. I am fat and ugly.. And when I say that I'm fat and ugly to my friends, they would say: no you're not..
They have to say that because they are my friends.. If they aren't I know they would talk behind my back.. I just know it..
All I know is right now, I have to find a way to get my confidence back..
