A Little Girl

I always wonder what it's like to be a little girl again.. I mean, to run around or play and not care about anything in this world.. I would think about happy thoughts, to not care about any of my problems.. I sometimes act childish just to get away from the real world.. But the fact is, I'm not that little girl anymore.. And it kinda sucks..

I remember when I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to be a grown up.. I could do things my way.. I could watch anything I want.. I could make my own choices.. I could stay out with friends.. I could do anything I want..

But then, I grew up.. and I'm thinking, why did I grew up too fast?? I still wanna watch cartoons all day.. I still wanna play with my Barbie's.. I still do some of these stuff.. But the feeling isn't the same..

Right now, I realize that growing up means more responsibility.. I never thought life would be this hard.. Too much problems..

And nowadays, I see that little kids are trying so hard to be grown up.. They forget about their age and just be a teenager.. My advice is to grow up on your own time.. grow up slowly.. Time really flies by.. you don't want to miss a second of your childhood..

Even though I want to be a little girl again, I know I can't.. I have to accept that fact.. But one thing is for sure.. I had a fantastic childhood.. I grew up according to my age.. The movies and television of my time help me grew up and I had a blast watching.. Sometimes out of the blue.. I would say to Baina: " do you rmember we used to watch ( name of story )?? Those were the days..

So, right now, all I can do is pray for the best for years to come..

New Year!

Oh My God!! I can't believe.. New Year is just around the corner.. and soon I'm gonna be a senior. . My last year of high school.. I'm gonna have to be independent.. I have to grow up.. I have to start learning new things.. I'm gonna have to work hard.. Oh my god!! I'm so not ready for this.. *sigh* it shows that time does not wait for anybody.. Well, here I am.. writing about my new year's resolution.. I mean, what fun would it be if I don't have some new year's resolution?? So first of all:

1.
I'm gonna study really hard.. I have to learn to get all A's for SPM.. It's gonna be tough because I get bored easily.. But it's just 1 year.. Then I'm free to rest, for awhile.. I'm not gonna study the whole time but study hard enough to make mama proud..

2.
Lose weight.. It's gonna be tough.. I LOVE eating.. I HATE exercise.. But it's a sacrifice I'm gonna take.. I'm really gonna try hard to make this happen.. Every year I've been meaning to lose weight.. But obviously that didn't work out.. So, I'm not gonna procrastinate this any longer.. well, it's much harder since there are lots of junk food in my house.. Why do people keep on giving me junk food??


3.
Drive.Since I'm turning 17 on the 16th of April, I'd be able to drive.. And I can go wherever I want to without asking my mama to send me.. and if mama is too lazy to send me, mama wouldn't have to ask someone else to do it.. I really can't wait to drive..


4.Learn something new. I wanna learn French so badly.. Again, this is another thing that I keep on procrastinating.. The book is sitting there like since I was 10, I think.. I think it's time to finally do this, since I'm so determined to work hard in year 2010..

5.

Be happy.. I feel that '09 made me cry a lot and a lot of sad things happen..But I wanna make 2010 be a happy year.. Ok, I might not be happy the whole year.. I mean, it IS my LAST year of high school.. everyone will go in different paths.. I won't get to see most of these people after 2010.. That would be my sad part.. And of course, I won't be happy since it's my SPM year.. But I'm gonna have to endure it.. Life is much too precious to just be sad.. I wanna be happy..

6.

Travel. After SPM, I'm gonna travel.. I wanna waste a month on myself.. Do something I enjoy.. I REALLY LOVE to travel.. Hopefully mama will have the money for my travels.. I don't care if I go by myself.. I wanna travel!! This is my passion.. I'm gonna see the places where I've been and never been before.. I wanna enjoy myself before taking my SPM results *gulp*

And through it all, I hope everyone have a great New Year.. And I hope that 2010 has more good memories instead of bad...

Love forever, Hana

Time Will Tell

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.

Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?"
Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."
Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.
Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please."

"I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."
Next, Love saw Sadness passing by.
Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you."
Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."
Then, Love saw Happiness.

Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you."
But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him. Love began to cry.

Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.

Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered.
"But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked.

Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Feeling Empty

Another day of feeling empty.. Another day to go through life empty.. Another day that I wished would turned out differently.. But no.. It's just the same.. Same old routine.. Same old boring day.. Can't find anything to do.. And if I do, it will be dull and boring... I just wish things will change this new year..

I'm Over It

Yup, you read it right.. I am SO over him.. But I still think he is so damn fucking gorgeous.. But, I don't like him anymore.. Maybe he isn't my type.. hahaha.. I guess I have to find someone else to crush on.. hahaha.. But, I don't think I'll fall for anyone any time soon.. I'm a person who falls for someone easily, so maybe I will have a crush on someone soon.. I hope not.. getting hurt because of a crush really sucks..

Back From Bali

My plane arrived from Bali at 12:20 and I was dead tired.. The whole trip was satisfying, but really tiring.. at the end of every day I would be exhausted and my feet would feel as if I ran a marathon.. The weather there is really hot.. Luckily there are times where we went to a place with cool air.. The views at Bali was breath taking.. especially near Mt.Batur then a restaurant called Pacung and Tanah Lot..

But I think that the trip would be better if Mama had come with us.. Mama said that it was a way for us to learn to go on a trip by ourselves if the next time Mama can not follow us.. Right now I'm tired and hungry.. But there's nothing I can do.. The fun is over.. My life is back to normal.. Nothing else would happen..

Right now, I feel like I have no purpose to live life.. But I have to keep moving on.. But I really hate doing the same thing each and every day.. It's too constant.. I'm the type of person who likes to go through life with different plans.. I can't stick to a schedule.. It's boring.. I'm more spontaneous :) *sigh* but life goes on.. C'est La Vie

Off To Bali

I'll be leaving Malaysia and shooting off to Bali in a couple of hours.. I'm so excited.. After a long time of patience and waiting, I'm gonna travel somewhere.. Sure it's in Indonesia, but who cares.. I need to relax before stressing my brains for SPM..

When I get back, I'm gonna update my blog.. I can't wait!!

Btw, I'm trying to learn to talk in French.. It's a really interesting language.. I wanna know how to speak French before I go there in 2011..

Je ne peux pas attendre !

Forget It

I really have had it.. I can't stand this torture.. I'm tired of being the silly girl who fall for stupid boys.. I'm sick of feeling ugly and fat.. I'm through of feeling unwanted.. I'm closing up my heart.. I won't let any guy make me fall for them.. I'm gonna stop looking for Mr. Right, when all I've fall for was Mr. Wrong..

I know it's kinda dramatic and kinda desperate since I've barely been in love or a relationship.. I mean 2 crushes isn't a lot and the last time I checked I'm still single .. But it still can really break a persons heart in little, small, tiny pieces... I really don't want to get heart broken over a guy who I thought would be perfect for me if he realize how I can be the perfect girl for him..

But the chances are for them to realize my feelings for either of them are really low.. The chances are a billion to one... There are lots of girls who know they'd be perfect with them.. So, I just have to let it go, again..

And I'm trying to write a song.. A song that really connects with my feelings.. But because of the current crush, I've lost my whole train of thought.. Every word that I come up with doesn't add up.. This boy really tied my heart in a really tight knot.. So, I'll have to find a really sharp scissors to cut that knot.. Soon, I'll be free..

When I'm done with the song, I'll post it up here..

Another Horrible Ending

I was bored last night.. So, I figured I may as well find out what his name is.. I searched high and low.. And I found out what his name was.. So searched his name in Myspace and Facebook.. And guess what?? It really is his name.. His name is Alex McKee.. I'm not really sure about the age or what country he's from but, I'm just glad I found out his name.. So, I added him on Myspace.. And you know how it is that some people have multiple Myspace accounts.. I wasn't sure which one was he's real account.. So, I added all of it.. Then, there's this one account that really broke my heart.. It wrote that he has a fiance...

I know it's just plain stupid.. That my heart got broken by a guy whom I never had a conversation with.. But it really hurts.. His may-or-may-not-be fiance is beautiful.. I can't compare with her.. And to make things worse.. None of the account have accepted my friend request.. I can tell myself: maybe he hadn't went online in awhile, give it some time.. But the actual thing is: He's Just Not That Into Me :(

I'm pathetic, I know.. But, there IS something about him.. And right now my whole dream of him falling for me, has shattered into really tiny pieces...

That's the story of my life.. I've got my heart broken by 2 guys.. Both of which are not my boyfriend.. Kill me now.. When will it be a time where I DON'T get my heart broken??

P.S here is another picture of him with blond hair...

Stupid

So, I was fooling around searching stuff, like I always do when I'm bored, and I found this photo of a guy.. And through my point of view, he is gorgeous.. I somehow feel like I wanna meet him.. But that's just a stupid thought.. But if you look at him, you'll fall for him too.. You can't really see his face but, you can see he is good looking..

It's stupid I know.. Liking a guy who I will never meet.. Plus I don't know what his name or age is.. Not sure where he is from.. And I'm sure he's already taken.. But I'm just an innocent girl whose heart has taken over her whole train of thought..

He won't even like me if we met.. Hell, he won't even look at me.. :(

But I still can't help it.. It's like love at first sight lol... I think it's more of unrequited love... There's just something about him that makes me feel like there are tiny little butterflies flapping in my stomach..
This is him... :D I don't care if you don't like him.. What matters right now is my own little fantasy world..

People I'd Like To Meet

In random position.. and there are many other people I'd like to meet as well.. But so far these are the ones that I remember :)

Time Travel

I just finished reading about a man who claims that he is from the year 2036.. He said that he time travelled to come here.. That was the year 2001.. But after reading it, it makes me think..
Was anything that he said actually true?? Was he just some guy who lost his mind?? Should we believe that time travel does exist??

Nonetheless, what happens if I were a time traveler?? What would I do?? Where would I go?? What year would I go to??

I don't care where I go or what I'd do.. But I want to travel at this age I'm in now.. And I would go back to year 1996-2003.. I wanna see Abah.. I don't care if it only take 2 minutes.. I just wanna see him.. And hear him talk and laugh.. And maybe I could have a little quicker to call the nurse.. Maybe he would be alive now if I wasn't so damn fucking scared..

But that is impossible.. I know.. I can't change anything that has happened.. It will show that I'm ungrateful.. That I am against with what God had planned.. But I just miss him so much.. And I know, Mama miss him as much as I do..

I Love You,
You Love Me,
We were a happy family...

A Place In This World

You know what I wanna do?? I wanna scream out loud till my lungs hurt.. I wanna laugh till I lose my voice.. I wanna jump like I'm a maniac till I can't breathe anymore.. I wanna be happy till I forget all my sorrows.. But I can't get everything, right?? I'm just a person who has to go on with life and just think of all the possibilities... But I have my rights to choose what I wanna do..

But right now, I feel like I don't have any choices.. When will it be my turn to voice out my opinions?? When will it be my turn to do what I wanna do?? When will it be my turn to be free??

I smile but my heart is frowning... I laugh but my heart is crying.. All the happiness and fun thing that I do is what I wish would come true.. I wanna really smile.. I wanna really laugh.. I wanna really be happy.. I wanna find my place in this damn crazy full of hatred world..

I convince myself everyday that I AM happy... Therefore, I WILL be happy :D

The Rain

It's currently raining right now.. And every time it rains, I always think of one thing.. I want to dance.. Dance in the rain and don't care what other people say about me.. I don't care if I have to dance alone or with a loved one or my friends.. I just want to try it once.. I feel that when I'm dancing in the rain, everything will be just fine.. And it seems fun.. Watching people dancing in the rain in a movie makes me envy them.. Maybe I'll get to try it one day.. Hopefully..

Exams!!!

I know I should be studying right now, but I distract too easily.. I just can't study.. Especially maths.. But I have to if I expect to answer any questions for the paper.. I just can't seem to find a way to make learning fun.. It's just so boring.. It makes me wanna sleep.. I guess I will never have the mood to learn.. But I'll have the mood only when I have to study a subject that I'm interested in.. And so far, I am NOT interested in any of the subjects in school.. But Baina keeps on telling me: It's just 2 weeks.. 2 long weeks of agony..

Why Is This Happening??

Every once in awhile I would feel like my confidence level is becoming less and less everyday.. And I just don't know how to get it up again.. Sometimes when I'm with my friends I can pretend to be.. Because they already know me.. But what happens if I have to meet new people?? All alone?? I don't know how to do it.. Mama is getting me to act.. How will I act without confidence?? I'll be thinking about a lot of things.. Like, I'm too fat or I'm too ugly.. I'm also afraid of what they would think of me.. Like, who the hell is she or doesn't she look at herself in the mirror or the nerve of her trying to act..

Because the truth is.. I am fat and ugly.. And when I say that I'm fat and ugly to my friends, they would say: no you're not..

They have to say that because they are my friends.. If they aren't I know they would talk behind my back.. I just know it..

All I know is right now, I have to find a way to get my confidence back..

Part Of Our World...

Did you see the picture.. No? Well, look at it.. It's a Humpback Whale.. It's scientific name is Megaptera novaeangliae.. What's so special about it?? Well, I'm glad you asked.. It's one of the extinct animals in the world... Yup.. So, I guess I would be talking about the endangered animals in this world...

So far there are about 833 endangered mammals.. 744 endangered birds.. 276 endangered reptiles.. 4356 endangered plants.. 632 fishes.. 258 endangered insects.. 472 endangered snails.. 90 endangered clams.. 18 endangered arachnids.. 215 endangered crustaceans.. 7 endangered worms and 45 endangered corals, jellyfish and sea anemones..Some of those extinct animals and plants are from Malaysia.. Yes, our country..

I'm not just gonna write about the animals and plants.. There are also the people of the world that we have to think about.. There are about 16 countries that are still at war and 7 countries that are starving..

Why do we live in such ignorance when there are others out there who are suffering.. Humans, animals and plants are striving for their lives.. They are worried about if they are gonna make it another day.. Everyday is like a battle for them.. While we worry about petty things like not going out or we don't get what we want..

Right now... I am thankful.. I'm an idiot for being worried with my problems.. It's nothing compare to them.. But they are living in pain.. I wanna help them.. I don't how, I don't know when.. but I know something starting right now, I'm gonna change.. So that this could all change.. I'm gonna do it even if I have to do it alone.. Because I can't bare living in this selfish world.. I want a caring world.. Don't you??

Confession...

I know that barely anyone reads my blog.. but in case some of you are reading it, I wanna say thank you.. And to all my friends, especially the ones that I know the longest, I still care about you.. Even though I act as if I'm arrogant, but I'm not.. I'm afraid of what you would think of me.. Afraid that you would just wish I would leave you the hell alone.. Because I don't know what's going on with your life.. And seriously, it pains me to think that we were friends and we're like nothing.. We barely talk because we're in different classes.. We barely meet because we have different friends.. And all I wanna do is turn back time when we were still friends.. Thinking about doing bad things to the school.. I guess my sister was right.. Everyone does change.. Because everyone wants to find who they are.. I haven't find myself yet because I'm still holding on to the past.. Because the past seems more calming.. And it pains me to go and hear you say that I've become arrogant.. Maybe it's my own damn fault.. All I have to say to you is that everyone changes.. There is no exception for you and me.. But if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.. I'm right here..

Jealousy...

We all get jealous sometimes.. Even to our best friend.. Why?? Because we never appreciate what we have.. We always want what someone else have.. For instance, some people would go all jealous when they open up a magazine and see a really skinny model/actress.. And they look at them self in mirror and think why can't I be like that?? And some would go jealous because some people have the guts to realize their dreams..

I'll admit.. I was talking (writing) about me.. But at times I feel really stupid for even having that feeling.. It's not supposed to be there because I should have worked my ass off to want any of those things to come true... And sometimes I get a little selfish to think that people should be jealous of me.. But the truth is, there is nothing to be jealous about.. I don't have a perfect figure, I don't have perfect grades, I don't have perfect skin, I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have a life.. Ok, so the boyfriend part was not that important but you get my point.. People have no reason to be jealous of me.. And right now I'm mad at myself that I can't find myself.. Who I really am.. I know who I am.. But I'm afraid of letting her out.. People seem to like me as the boring girl that I am.. And I like it too.. But there is someone inside of me wanting to go out.. I'm not sure how..

It's like, jealousy is part of who I am.. I get jealous by everyone around me.. Jealous that their too smart, jealous that their too skinny, jealous that their too beautiful, jealous that their too rich, jealous that their living my dream, jealous that they have a life..

Well all of that is going to change.. Because I'm going to change.. It might take awhile, and I might give up.. But change is the only way for getting the green eyed monster in me out...

Babbling..

I'm not sure if I consider today as a bad day.. so I guess it's an ok day.. I woke up at 12.05.. It's not surprising since I slept late.. Yesterday after breaking the fast, I suddenly have the urge to go and watch a movie.. We surf the net to see what movie was now showing.. Then I found out that Final Destination 4 was out.. Then we asked mama if we could go.. mama said: can.. We changed our clothes and when I was getting out of my room, my 10 year old cousin said that her mom was like between the fence.. I hesitated to go.. And after a few minutes debating with myself, I decided we should go.. When we got there I was nervous cause I will be seeing an 18 rated movie.. I've never broken the rating rule before.. But we got in anyways.. And it was great.. HAHA.. I know I sound childish.. I'm sure many people have entered an 18 rated movie.. But seriously, that was my first..

I'm not sure what's going to happen to me.. It looks like I have no life at all.. I don't want to be a shy girl for the rest of my life.. It's like whatever I want in life, I can't have because of who I am.. But inside, I know I'm not that kind of person.. Sure I can get bored at times, and people will get bored of me.. But, I can't go on my life like I have everything when I don't..

I wanna live the few years of my teenage years like I'm supposed to.. I know I can't change myself in a second.. It takes time.. But, I'm getting there.. And sure, I'll get jealous at times when I read my friends blogs about some interesting part of their lives.. But I have mine too.. I may not talk to some of the people that I used to be so close with, but they are always in my heart and I just can't forget my friends that easily.. Sometimes I feel that they don't think of me as their friend, but will always think they are my friends..

Whatever will be..

I can't believe I'm actually writing my own blog.. I told myself that I should not try blogging because no one will read it.. I'm not the popular kind.. Or even the person who socialize a lot.. But I wanna change somehow.. So, this blog is for my future I guess.. I wanna write my thoughts, my happy moments, etc.. It doesn't really matter if no one reads this.. I'm just happy to share everything.. And so what if my blog is not that interesting like some people, I will get jealous, but this is my blog and my life..